Resistance...

Wow...I was all "gung ho" about this blog stuff, and then I hit a big old wall of resistance! I have been so angry at life, frustrated at the world, feeling like my life is flying by and I am not accomplishing anything I want to do. I truly don't have a lot to bitch about by most people's standards. I have a job that pays the bills, I have a decent home, I have my health, I have a great family and friends. But I am mad. I am mad that I am alone. I am mad that I cannot find a new job and get out of the hell that I am in. I am mad that I waste a lot of time on things that aren't adding value or meaning to my life. Can we say "self sabotage"???
Hating something in your life that can take anywhere from 50 up to 80 hours a week or more (when I am traveling) is kind of significant. When I wake up and dread the day until I can "finish" and then go sit on the couch to "unwind" (code for escaping life with meaningless TV), there is a problem. When I find it is easier to stay in my home for an entire 24 hours on the weekend so I don't have to put myself out there, there is a problem. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish there was a better way to scream online...
I AM grateful that I have a vacation coming starting tomorrow evening. No glamorous trip planned. Several days in my hometown with friends and family and a couple of days at a resort to pamper myself. I considered Mexico, Vegas, the Keys...but at the end of the day...or I should say RIGHT NOW, I need some time to connect to the people who mean something in my life.

Aging sucks!

So, I have been going to Physical Therapy because I have been having issues with my hip and leg. Thought it might have been an injury from the gym (which has been my perfect excuse NOT to go like I used to). Followed up with the specialist yesterday and found out that I have arthritis in my back and a couple of discs that are degenerating. REALLY? At 43? Certainly it explains a lot of the discomfort and pain that I have been dealing with the last couple of years...but REALLY. I get up in the morning, I think about what I want to do with my day, my life. I am out in the world and 20 something cute guys are checking me out...and in my mind, I am 21 (or slightly older). THEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROR. Especially in the daylight. Good God! What happened? Was it my pillow? Are those really WRINKLES or just creases from sleeping and maybe a little too much salt? How is it that my mind has not even begun to catch up with my body? Where did that extra skin come from hanging over my eyelids? Where did that dreaded cellulite come from? UGH. I am not ready for this. OK, so I am considered middle aged. MIDDLE AGED? How did that happen so fast? I remember a time when I thought people my age were OLD. It wasn't that long ago...
So this weekend I am on a cougar hunt (OK, not really, but it makes me feel good to think about it). If only to catch the eye of some hot, young buck that I have absolutely nothing in common with, but is interested in flirting with someone who might be old enough to be his mother.

Friday is finally here!

Arrived home last night from a business trip to a CLEAN HOUSE. Because it was that way when I left. Small things can bring great pleasure! It was so quiet. I slept like a baby! After a week of waking up, sweating, weird dreams, and general unrest, I feel GOOD today. Let's hope the weekend brings more of the same.

Working for the weekend...

It's been a long week already and it's only Wednesday! Traveled to Tampa on Monday and now headed down to Naples and Ft. Myers. Although it's work and I haven't seen much of the outdoors, I am grateful to be somewhere warm and sunny. I don't think I realize the effect of all the gray days in the Midwest until I go somewhere else. But I am tired. Bone tired. I don't know how my friends with kids handle working full time (although I feel like I work full time PLUS part time). I have bags under my eyes, I feel bloated from restaurant food, and I haven't slept worth a crap in my less than desirable hotel room. Funny how the grass is always greener on the other side. People think my job is "glamorous" because I travel. What they don't understand is that most of my time is spent in hotel rooms, meeting rooms, airports, in my stores, or in a car. No time for fun. No time for a couple of glasses of wine at dinner, because I know I need to go back to my room to finish my work for the day. Stuff I feel like is virtually impossible to get done when I travel.
I'm trying to stay positive and know that soon I will find something with more normal hours that doesn't require travel. In the meantime, I am looking at a trip to Dallas next week, one week travel free, and then 7 days in LA for work. Don't know if you have been to LA, but it is a pretentious, smog filled city that I can do without. I think I see a couple of margaritas in my future on Friday night. Even if I go out alone! And I WILL go out alone if I can't find someone who wants to participate!!!!

Each person has their own problems...

I spent a lot of time today thinking about a friend of mine who was choked by her boyfriend over the weekend. He ended up in jail and she is trying to find her way somewhere with no money and no support. I had a tough time this weekend myself...I have a job that I hate and where I am discriminated against on a constant basis because I am WHITE, of all things (who knew that happened???). In addition, there is no appreciation for what I do and the expectation is that I give up a personal life and give 24/7 availability. My personal life is non-existent. Some people close to me, including my family, have disappointed recently. And yet, somehow I felt GUILTY for complaining (even if it was only to myself).
I found myself becoming resentful today, because it often seems that people judge whether or not someone's situation is "bad" enough or "tragic" enough to merit empathy or compassion. I KNOW that I have things pretty good. I live in a nice home, I make a good living, I have friends and family. But that doesn't mean I am immune to pain or to difficult times. I don't wear a badge that says "Hey, I have panic disorder and generalized anxiety order, to boot", yet I live everyday with these disorders and it's hard. I have had bad and dysfuntional relationships where I was hurt to the core. I have had other traumas which maybe at some point I will share, but I look at them as situations I can't change but have made me a stronger person.
Again, I got back to who merits empathy and compassion?? I think we all do. What is a piece of cake for one person to handle, may be devastating to another. For those that judge and say "just buck it up. you don't have it as bad as I do"...well, kiss my ass. We ALL have our crosses to bear. And some people seem to go out of their way to destroy their lives and seek out sympathy. If that is the type of attention that does it for you, than more power to you. But don't trivialize my feelings or my pain.
With that said, tomorrow is a new day and I intend to pick myself up by my stilettos and move on!

Like a virgin...

I am not sure what a "blog" is. It isn't a journal or diary, because people can see it. Or maybe it is. Is BLOG an acronym for something? At any rate, I never thought I would go down the road marked "blogger". But I read a blog from friend recently, and was inspired by her words and her courage...she made me laugh and she made me want to cry. So, I thought, what the hell. Can't hurt! Maybe this might be fun. Possibly therapeutic. Definitely a new journey for me.
So today I am walking into unknown territory. Let the fun begin...